Saturday, February 23, 2008

Everyone Needs Their Own Midget Story...

Luckily, I got mine!

DISCLAIMER: I have heard lately that "little people" see the word "midget" as being on par with the "N" word... I have no idea if this is true or not... So, with that said... :::Ahem::: My use of the word "Midget" in the following story is not intended as a derogatory statement of any kind.

So there.

As I walk this world, I have met all sorts of people from all corners of this country and beyond... So far, everywhere I've been and everyone I've talked to has confirmed one true thing in my mind... ~Everybody~ needs their own midget story. Every time I have ever said that, I am met with "Oh my God! You're right! I LOVE midgets!" This is when I proceed to tell them of my story ... the best midget story ... ever.

Now, I have only ever related this tale in the fine oral tradition of the noble Native American and I hope that its transference to the blog world will do the story justice... I guess only those that have heard it will be able to tell me so...

Oh, one more thing... I swear to you that the story I'm about to tell is 100 percent true... This really happened!!!

Ok, so I'm at the "Regal Beagle" (my nickname for my fav local bar back home)and it's a cold and snowy evening. It had been snowing pretty steady all day and the plows were on the road in 24/7 mode to try and keep the streets fairly clear. When I arrive at the "Beagle" earlier that evening, I noticed that the plows had not come through the municipal lot where I parked... "No big deal, I thought to myself..." I went into the beagle and completely forgot about the weather outside.

It continued to snow as the evening progressed and the drinks flowed... after quite a few hours of Pool, shots, Canadian beer and video crack, I decided I better call it a night... Well actually, I didn't decide... Stevie the bartender decided for all of us b/c it was last call at 4am (Time flies, innit?)

I only lived about 5 blocks away at that time and in all reality, I should have just left my car at home and walked, but the thought of stumbling to Allentown at 4am in the freezing cold did ~not~ appeal to me at all. I get to the lot and I see that indeed, the plow had come through and the back of my car was now buried up to the rear bumper.

"Thas'ok," I thought to myself... Hell, I'm a freakin' Buffalonian fer cryin' out loud! This is nothing! I proceed to stomp as much of the snow down as I could and spread it around a little. I get in my car, warm it up, and proceed to throw it reverse and hit the gas... HARD.

I almost made it... almost... so I throw it in drive, pull back in, and do it again... Now, anyone who's familiar with winter driving is familiar with this technique... This will usually work but you need to be patient! Take the car as far as you can, then reverse direction, Lather, rinse, repeat... Well, being the maverick that I felt I was, I got impatient and spun the wheels WAY too much.... I had turned the snow bank underneath my car into solid ice... I wasn't going anywhere... Damn.

I go back to the regal beagle to get a shovel and to my surprise, there isn't one!! WHAT?!? (something about the restaurant next door borrowing it... said restaurant is closed at 4am) So, feeling stranded and unsure of what to do, I start to head towards the lot. If I leave it over night, I will surely get a ticket... plus I gotta trudge back here tomorrow... blah,blah, woof, woof...

Just then, My savior arrives in the form of one behemoth of a City snow plow/salt truck... SALT! I'm saved!!!

I jump up and down and wave as he pulls over... (turns out he's heading to the Greek restaurant to get "lunch") A smiling face looks out from the cab window... a good 4ft. above my head. "Can I help you?" the driver says. "Yesh! I'm stuck in the back parking lot... can I have some salt?" I holler. "Sure, but you need a bucket." he replies.
I run back to the beagle and get an ice bucket from Stevie... "Ok, I got one!" I shout as I slip and slide my way back to the plow... 'Ok, I'll be right down!"

With that... he opens the door......... Midget!

I could not, for the life of me fathom how he had the inside of that Plow rigged up so he could drive it, but there he was... in his splendid tiny glory... climbing down out of one of the biggest goddamn trucks I'd ever seen!

I do my best to hide my surprise by thanking him profusely over and over. We shuffle our way to the back of the truck and I start looking for the chute that he will open to fill my bucket with salt... I see nothing.

NOTE: What you are about to read is single-handedly ~the~ most surreal moment of my WHOLE entire life!

I ask him, "Ummmm... so how do we get the salt." His matter-of-fact reply: "Well... Ya' gotta boost me."

So it was at 4:30am on a blustery, snowy, cold-ass Buffalo morning that I found my self boosting a midget into the back of a gigantic salt truck... I lace my hands, he steps on... and up he went... Of course, his boots are covered in snow, and he's struggling to get in the back... so what could I do? I put my hands on his little butt, and like a wild game of acid-basketball, I went for the jump shot, and heaved him into the back of the truck... he disappears with a little "ufff" noise...

Now lemme just say... When I put my hands on his little butt to push him in, I had a moment of clarity where I said to myself, "Lolagrrl... It's 4:30am, you're buzzed and you have your hands on a midget's ass ... NO ONE will ever believe you."

Anyway, he leans over the back of the truck, I toss the bucket up, he fills it and lowers it down to me... Then I look up at him and say, "Now what?"

His reply, "Well, now you gotta catch me."

And so it was at 4:30am on a blustery, snowy, cold-ass Buffalo morning that I found myself readying to catch my midget savior as he hung from the lip of the truck where I had flung him...

The fact that I got my car out is anti-climactic.

And so it goes.... :)