Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I am so good at making an ass outta myself!

Taken from my old blog archives

I have an unbelievably amazing tendency to make a ~complete~ ass out of myself. This super power is usually most evident when I meet someone I admire. Here's a few of the more classic examples ranked from "D'oh" to "I'm going to bury my fucking head in the sand and just DIE!!!"

3) Glen Danzig (1993?) Rating - D'oh! - I'm at the San Diego Comic Con and my friend Greg (creator of "Lethargic Lad") invites me to a huge-ass party that Glen Danzig is throwing. The party is in an old 4-story Brownstone. The first floor consists of all the people who can't get to the second, third, and fourth floors... They are beating the snurd out of each other to get a shitty beer from the keg. The second floor is this weird junkie/make-out heaven with couches all about. I smoke ~something~ with a goth chick... big honkin' mistake. The third floor is all dancin' and sweatin' and "chunka-chunka" music that doesn't bode well with the crappy beer and god-knows-what-was-in-that-joint-I-smoked from floors one and two.

The fourth floor is "industry" only. Lucky for me, Greg's in the industry so he gets me past the bouncers and I walk into geek heaven. All my independent artist heroes are gathered in this spacious loft area and I am geeking out big time! Holy Shit! There's Dan Clowes! and Jaimie Hernandez (but I can't bring myself to talk to him... refer to #2)and... and... Evan Dorkin! Yeah, it was spaz central for me.

There's a separate room blocked off with big XXX signs and partitions. There is loud music and hedonistic screams coming from the other side. Suddenly, Glen Danzig's head pops up over a partition and sees my pal Greg. "GREG!" he screams "Get yer ass back here and check out the titties!!!" Greg and I start towards the stripper room when Glen stops me and says, "Sorry sweetheart, you're too young for what's going on in here." Now, I think I was in the 22 - 23 yr-old range but I was too flabbergasted by the fact that I was just shut down by Danzig to say anything, so I stayed in the reception room and watched Evan Dorkin piss in the corner.

#2) Gilbert & Jaimie (Hi-me) Hernandez - Rating - Kill me now - This is simple... G & J are the authors and artists of the best comic book EVER, "Love & Rockets," and YES the comic book came before the band. So, they do a guest signing at a rival comic book store so I try to keep a low profile as I trudge in w/my two favorite collections (one from each bros Hernandez) under my arm.
Faux pax #1, I hand the wrong book to each brother. The dialog is as follows:

Jaimie: Hey! This isn't my book

Gilbert: Yeah and this isn't mine!

Me: Ummm... yeah, I knew that (I REALLY DID) but I thought you'd like to sign each other's books {{turning purple}}

-They proceed to do JUST that and sign each other's books with "brotherly" comments to each other ie: "Jaime Sucks!!" etc.

So... let's pick up the conversation after I give each brother their proper book...

ME: "Ummm... I really like your comic..."

Jaimie: "Yeah? Thanks..."


ME: "Yeah, Maggie reminds me a lot of myself... except for the lesbian part"

Jaimie: (nearly choking on his water) "Really?"

ME: "Yeah"

{{More awkward silence}}

ME: "Ok, I gotta get outta here"

Jaimie: "No. Stay! It's all good... So.... You really like our book huh?"

ME: "Yeah."

Lather, rinse, repeat... I am totally blushing and feeling like that 23-year-old idiot all over again!!! In hindsight, these guys were so cool and they actually remembered me when I saw them (briefly) at Danzig's party but they ~still~ made me so nervous!

OK... so now it's time for... NUMBER ONE... Read on (if you dare!).. I don't know about you, but even ~I'm~ cringing ... and I lived it!!!

So here it is... My #1 most embarrassing brush with fame EVER!!!

I was working at New World Record (eclectic CD shop) and the rule there was that you had to be the coolest person you could possibly be whilst masking whatever malady you possessed that actually made you a nerd (ok, this is ~my~ opinion) You had to take a TEST to work there and I was the first female to pass that test (Yes, my bio does not lie. I ~am~ a fountain of useless knowledge!!) I got a shit-load of flak from people for invading their space with my female body parts an' all too but I was used to it from my years at the comic book store. Anyway, it was kinda taboo at NWR to profess serious love for Canadian bands b/c... well, I don't know why but it just was and I am a HUGE fan of Canadian music.

One day, Marty (buyer/manager) announced that there were some free tickets to the Tragically Hip show that night from the label and they came with backstage passes!!! He said that he had told them that he didn't think that anyone from NWR was interested... knowing full well that I had just about peed myself upon hearing the announcement.

So, like a victim from the book "The Magic Christian" .. I'm sure I kissed some ass and got me and my buddy Randy the tix & passes...

I don't need to say how awesome the show was but I guess I just did anyway.

After the show, everyone w/a backstage pass gets herded into a "Reception room." The first thing we spy is a big-ass tub of Budweiser (blech!). Everyone makes a bee-line for it, except me. I scan the room and see a tub of Sam Adams (yum!) at the other end. I grab my pal Randy and we start the drinking.

A few minutes later, the band shows up and one of them admonishes me for drinking the good beer. That's enough right there to send me into full-on geek mode!

My pal Randy is no help... He's freaking out because a shit-load of old-school Buffalo Sabres (the ~entire~ French Connection - to be exact) come in w/the Hip.

To make a long story even longer, I ~finally~ drink up the courage to approach Gordy (lead singer)...

NOTE: I am practically crying from reliving this embarrassing moment but here goes!

ME: Hi

Gordy: Well, Hi there.

ME: Ummmm.... I really like your music ((Sounds familiar, eh?))

Gordy: Well, thank you.

ME: Ummmm.... I knew that I was going to meet you but for some stupid reason, I didn't bring anything for you to sign...

Gordy: Ok, well... how 'bout I sign your backstage pass?

{{Note: the pass is placed over my left breast}}

ME: Ok...


ME: Um, don't think that I put that (the pass) there because I wanted you to touch my breast or anything.

(((OMFG?!?! WHAT the HELL was I THINKING!??!!?!?)))

With that, Gordy starts trying REALLY hard not to laugh and he starts to write ~very~ delicately. Meanwhile, I realize my MASSIVE faux pas and try to cover it up with...

"Well, you can if you want to..."

NOTE: I just had to get up and walk away while I'm laughing my ASS off and turning purple! I have told this story before, but the act of ~writing~ it brings all these memories to the front... holy shit!!! It's a complete WONDER that I made it past my 25th birthday!!!

With that last statement, Gordy just bursts out LAUGHING (forget trying to save me further embarrassment) and writes the following on my pass:

... and to this day, I still often wonder...

What the hell does that mean!?!?!?