I am so good at making an ass outta myself!

Taken from my old blog archives

I have an unbelievably amazing tendency to make a ~complete~ ass out of myself. This super power is usually most evident when I meet someone I admire. Here's a few of the more classic examples ranked from "D'oh" to "I'm going to bury my fucking head in the sand and just DIE!!!"

3) Glen Danzig (1993?) Rating - D'oh! - I'm at the San Diego Comic Con and my friend Greg (creator of "Lethargic Lad") invites me to a huge-ass party that Glen Danzig is throwing. The party is in an old 4-story Brownstone. The first floor consists of all the people who can't get to the second, third, and fourth floors... They are beating the snurd out of each other to get a shitty beer from the keg. The second floor is this weird junkie/make-out heaven with couches all about. I smoke ~something~ with a goth chick... big honkin' mistake. The third floor is all dancin' and sweatin' and "chunka-chunka" music that doesn't bode well with the crappy beer and god-knows-what-was-in-that-joint-I-smoked from floors one and two.

The fourth floor is "industry" only. Lucky for me, Greg's in the industry so he gets me past the bouncers and I walk into geek heaven. All my independent artist heroes are gathered in this spacious loft area and I am geeking out big time! Holy Shit! There's Dan Clowes! and Jaimie Hernandez (but I can't bring myself to talk to him... refer to #2)and... and... Evan Dorkin! Yeah, it was spaz central for me.

There's a separate room blocked off with big XXX signs and partitions. There is loud music and hedonistic screams coming from the other side. Suddenly, Glen Danzig's head pops up over a partition and sees my pal Greg. "GREG!" he screams "Get yer ass back here and check out the titties!!!" Greg and I start towards the stripper room when Glen stops me and says, "Sorry sweetheart, you're too young for what's going on in here." Now, I think I was in the 22 - 23 yr-old range but I was too flabbergasted by the fact that I was just shut down by Danzig to say anything, so I stayed in the reception room and watched Evan Dorkin piss in the corner.

#2) Gilbert & Jaimie (Hi-me) Hernandez - Rating - Kill me now - This is simple... G & J are the authors and artists of the best comic book EVER, "Love & Rockets," and YES the comic book came before the band. So, they do a guest signing at a rival comic book store so I try to keep a low profile as I trudge in w/my two favorite collections (one from each bros Hernandez) under my arm.
Faux pax #1, I hand the wrong book to each brother. The dialog is as follows:

Jaimie: Hey! This isn't my book

Gilbert: Yeah and this isn't mine!

Me: Ummm... yeah, I knew that (I REALLY DID) but I thought you'd like to sign each other's books {{turning purple}}

-They proceed to do JUST that and sign each other's books with "brotherly" comments to each other ie: "Jaime Sucks!!" etc.

So... let's pick up the conversation after I give each brother their proper book...

ME: "Ummm... I really like your comic..."

Jaimie: "Yeah? Thanks..."

AWKWARD SILENCE

ME: "Yeah, Maggie reminds me a lot of myself... except for the lesbian part"

Jaimie: (nearly choking on his water) "Really?"

ME: "Yeah"

{{More awkward silence}}

ME: "Ok, I gotta get outta here"

Jaimie: "No. Stay! It's all good... So.... You really like our book huh?"

ME: "Yeah."

Lather, rinse, repeat... I am totally blushing and feeling like that 23-year-old idiot all over again!!! In hindsight, these guys were so cool and they actually remembered me when I saw them (briefly) at Danzig's party but they ~still~ made me so nervous!

OK... so now it's time for... NUMBER ONE... Read on (if you dare!).. I don't know about you, but even ~I'm~ cringing ... and I lived it!!!

So here it is... My #1 most embarrassing brush with fame EVER!!!

I was working at New World Record (eclectic CD shop) and the rule there was that you had to be the coolest person you could possibly be whilst masking whatever malady you possessed that actually made you a nerd (ok, this is ~my~ opinion) You had to take a TEST to work there and I was the first female to pass that test (Yes, my bio does not lie. I ~am~ a fountain of useless knowledge!!) I got a shit-load of flak from people for invading their space with my female body parts an' all too but I was used to it from my years at the comic book store. Anyway, it was kinda taboo at NWR to profess serious love for Canadian bands b/c... well, I don't know why but it just was and I am a HUGE fan of Canadian music.

One day, Marty (buyer/manager) announced that there were some free tickets to the Tragically Hip show that night from the label and they came with backstage passes!!! He said that he had told them that he didn't think that anyone from NWR was interested... knowing full well that I had just about peed myself upon hearing the announcement.

So, like a victim from the book "The Magic Christian" .. I'm sure I kissed some ass and got me and my buddy Randy the tix & passes...

I don't need to say how awesome the show was but I guess I just did anyway.

After the show, everyone w/a backstage pass gets herded into a "Reception room." The first thing we spy is a big-ass tub of Budweiser (blech!). Everyone makes a bee-line for it, except me. I scan the room and see a tub of Sam Adams (yum!) at the other end. I grab my pal Randy and we start the drinking.

A few minutes later, the band shows up and one of them admonishes me for drinking the good beer. That's enough right there to send me into full-on geek mode!

My pal Randy is no help... He's freaking out because a shit-load of old-school Buffalo Sabres (the ~entire~ French Connection - to be exact) come in w/the Hip.

To make a long story even longer, I ~finally~ drink up the courage to approach Gordy (lead singer)...

NOTE: I am practically crying from reliving this embarrassing moment but here goes!

ME: Hi

Gordy: Well, Hi there.

ME: Ummmm.... I really like your music ((Sounds familiar, eh?))

Gordy: Well, thank you.

ME: Ummmm.... I knew that I was going to meet you but for some stupid reason, I didn't bring anything for you to sign...

Gordy: Ok, well... how 'bout I sign your backstage pass?

{{Note: the pass is placed over my left breast}}

ME: Ok...

HERE IS WHERE I SAY THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER SAID IN MY LIFE!!!

ME: Um, don't think that I put that (the pass) there because I wanted you to touch my breast or anything.

(((OMFG?!?! WHAT the HELL was I THINKING!??!!?!?)))

With that, Gordy starts trying REALLY hard not to laugh and he starts to write ~very~ delicately. Meanwhile, I realize my MASSIVE faux pas and try to cover it up with...

"Well, you can if you want to..."

NOTE: I just had to get up and walk away while I'm laughing my ASS off and turning purple! I have told this story before, but the act of ~writing~ it brings all these memories to the front... holy shit!!! It's a complete WONDER that I made it past my 25th birthday!!!

With that last statement, Gordy just bursts out LAUGHING (forget trying to save me further embarrassment) and writes the following on my pass:

"LET'S GET YELLOW"

... and to this day, I still often wonder...


What the hell does that mean!?!?!?

TwitterPoetry

Ok... First off, I just realized that all I have been doing lately is posting about Twitter, which made me think of this great cartoon from Gaping Void.



Yeah... That pretty much sums it up over here too.

So, I'm going to try to make this my LAST blog about Twitter... for a lil' while. ;D

The other day, I posted this on Twitter:

How many birds in cages die, thinking the ceiling is the sky?

I received an answer from fellow Twitterpal WmLee and what followed was a day of "Seuessian" rhyming of epic proportions!

Here's the best of it:

How many birds in cages die, thinking the ceiling is the sky?
And if they escape, are their little minds reeling 'cause they're finally in the big room with the huge blue ceiling?
Do they exhaust themselves reaching the top or do they fly and never stop?
Or is having a 'constant' comfort enough to make them stop worrying about up-and-down stuff?
Do they thrill at the thought of catching fresh food or long for the paper on which they once pooed?

Then we digressed into other topics...

@WmLee Whee!! You are awesomely filled with awesomeness!!! We should start a Twitter poetry game! :D

WmLee - Count me In! I'll play when I can. I'll word smith AND work, while dodging The Man! (Heh. This'll be fun!) We need rules?
Me - Rules? Rules!? Rules are for fools.... who sit in their corners whilst staring and drools! lol! I dunno. Let's just go off each other
WmLee - Duty calls, but I'll return / to see what rhymes we can discern!
Me - Take your time! I've got all day to conjure rhymes the Twitter way!
WmLee - My work is not my job, okay? It's just what I do to get some pay. The job, I mean. My work is cool- Best description- my downtime tool.
Me - Of work and pay, I could have more... but people don't get what Turd Polishin's for! =)
WmLee - It's pay that makes my world go fast... while Time bleeds away just like my cash.
Me - I shouldn't really be this poor. After all, it's money and I can always make more!
WmLee - Honestly, most days, I'm not convinced/ My dollar's worth more than 50 cents!
Me - Not long ago it was that way for folks who live in Canada, eh? =)

Me - I'm writing Twitter Poetry w/ @WmLee /and having a hard time... as you can see /not rhyming all replies now. hee hee! (Please! Somebody stop me!)
WmLee - My tweet, so sweet, good enough to eat! And so Twitter did, and didn't gag upon the feat! (Okay, stop ME, too!)
Me - I need to know if it's just me or do you now want to rhyme everything you see?
WmLee - Egads! I Do! A Seussian prob! Do you think his will adversely affect my job?

We went on for a little while longer but I think I've made my point. Twitter is more than a "Micro Blog." It's more than a SocNet too. Some people complain that Twitter is too "noisy" (no offense Barry!!) or feel a need for rules (offense intended... douchebag) but those are the people that just don't get it yet or never will. It's a resource, a web tool, a way to find interesting people and things, a way to get news, a way to converse with complete strangers and not have to be involved in the minutia of everyday life yet still be immersed. It's a community and it's definitely NOT a community. =) ... Nuff said... for now. ;-)

BTW - This blog could never have been written were it not for Summize - a great Twitter tool.

Twitter is like...

As most of you know, I have a love affair with Twitter that almost borders on obsession. Well, it turns out that I am far from alone on this one. I received a "tweet" this morning from fellow Twitterbud m4cks inviting the Twitterverse to play a little game with him...

Finish the following sentence. "Twitter is like ____________."

Needless to say, m4cks was shortly flooded with participants (including yours truly). The coolest part was that this little game turned out to be a great micro "who's who" of the Twitterverse!

So, my dear readers, if you've ever wondered what Twitter is all about, look no further! And if you're new to Twitter, you'll also find this as a great resource for some of the fun, creative and interesting characters that can be found there.

Enjoy!

thepunk Twitter is like walking into the middle of a hundred different interesting conversations.

primeluva Twitter is like a fat kid in a candy store. You can't just get enough...

mortonfox Twitter is like having a conversation in a noisy pub.

inkedmn Twitter is like freaking crack.

zik Twitter is like sliced bread.

Karoli Twitter is like passing notes in class.

CarrieP Twitter is like reading everyone's internal monologue.

wars128 Twitter is like cheese..its good!

mkhall Twitter = (the voices in my head) + (text messaging).

Anant Twitter is like a stalkers dream come true.

bbittner Twitter is like a friendly, enjoyable Rickroll

and

Twitter is like, a good place, to like not have to like deal with people, who, like, say the word "like" all the time.

amandalee @m4cks: twitter is my hot hot sex

lonesoph1st Twitter is like a cooler 90's IRC chat.

theberrygirl Twitter is like a phish show, circa 1993, but it smells better. (LOL! Well put! - Lola)

and

Twitter is like getting notes passed to you in class, from the really cool kids, all day.

alphabetting Twitter is like the voice of the masses shouting LOL as far as the eye can see.

and

Twitter is like the worlds biggest social lounge.

netdoc66 "Twitter is like going to a new chicks crib and sniffin the panties in in her dirty clothes hamper, wunderbar!" J/K'in that's nasty!

studionashvegas Twitter is a Ninja, AND a Pirate.

and

Twitter is like stalking someone you really like... but you have their permission first. But then again is it really stalking?

truetone Twitter is like the voice of the force. I feel a disturbance.

lycaon Twitter is a global orgasm.

and
Twitter is this person on a computer somewhere asking me what I think twitter is about

and

twitter is the stupid customer on the other end of my phone

and

twitter is the boyfriend I wish I had

and

twitter is like the night of passionate lovemaking I dream of having every night

and

twitter is like finding out she's pregant and it isn't yours

dknighton Twitter is the Spitzer-esque prostitute that will eventually cause me to lose my job and be publicly humiliated.

kolson29 Twitter is like having a bar full of ppl to talk to whenever I'm working about

AlisonL [Twitter is] a perfectly good reason to nose your way into everyone's business - and then opine away

croncast Twitter is like a samuri (sic) sword.

istarman Twitter is like reading the stream of consiousness (sic) from the 'net

spsmyth Twitter is like good sex that keeps going and going and going...

margalit [Twitter is] IM for grownups

rikoala Twitter is like all of those other voices in my head that won't shut up!!

and

Twitter is like that f#$&ing song I cannot get out of my head!

mitchellashley Twitter is like a bitch bucket for business travelers.

Bekemeyer Twitter is like, "Why is there air?"

WildMe Twitter is like a gang-bang with no sex

xtopher1974 Twitter is like a Robert Altman film -- a managed chaos of snippets of conversation, that somehow creates a whole. (PS - I lurve that! - Lola)

alphabetting Twitter is like lunch with your favorite chatty friends

storming Twitter is like a coffee shop. I like the passing notes one.

rickt Twitter is like the first time you managed to cop a drunken feel in the back stairway at the Blue Monkey listening to The Farm.

KarrieLyne Twitter is like a can of Pringles. "Once you pop, you can't stop!" =)

thecurio Twitter is like a place where both voyeurs and exhibtionists (sic) can enjoy themselves equally.

and

Twitter is like a loosely coupled, distributed publish/subscribe messaging infrastructure. Hmm. Not as interesting.

MarkDykeman Twitter is like being cloned at a particularly large and interesting party.

danzarrella Twitter is likeD by me?

decaturcomp Twitter isn't crack, that belongs to blackberry, twitter is x without all that silly hugging

K82 Twitter is like a box of chocolates that has been tainted by a thumb through the bottom of each, looking for the good ones. How rude!

deanpence [Twitter is like] … a cheating spouse. What's so great about hotdogsladies and chrisbrogan? Pay attention to me! :P

walelia Twitter is like glitter across the dark velvet of cyberspace

MountainDaisy Twitter is like being distracted by shiny pretty things.

lonesoph1st Twitter is like legal voyeurism.

beckymochaface Twitter is like wine, shoes and your favorite show served up as little Reese's pieces

studiorhoad Twitter is like a spouse after 40 years of marriage. Can't live without 'em. Can't shoot 'em. ;)

raw_knee Twitter is like messages in fortune cookies - you never know what you'd get but you know that it would fit in a short piece of paper.

Tatty [Twitter is like] a welcoming warm stay at home mom, when the outside world's gone mad.

mturro [Twitter is like] a crowded

hymeTwitter is like a trenchant FOOL

decaturcomp Twitter is like an Obama speech but with jokes.

Lolagrrl Twitter is like 140 little drops of awesome. I want to wrap it in a blanket and feed it Oreos.


lizziebeth [Twitter is like] Crack!

NeoGabox [Twitter is like] an alucinogen (sic)(I am not sure if its correctly written) mushroom... xDabout 3

adarshbhat Twitter is the real public radio

abiteofsanity [Twitter is like] high school...

CooperHawkes Twitter is like crack mixed with X-tasy that's been put into a bottle of beer..

And last but certainly not least:

DarJon Twitter is like.. well.. a micro-blogging platform.. =)

More on Twitter & Censorship from FoulBastard

Here's FoulBastard's Blog on the whole banning/flagging/censorship issue that arose from Twitter.

Here's the root of the problem folks... The "watchdog" model that Twitter (and many SocNet sites) follow is BAD news... There is no rhyme or reason (or business logic) behind the banning/Flagging process. ANYONE can flag/ban ANYONE for ANY reason and instead of investigating the issue, these sites just say, "OK!" Why according to this, all we need to do is flag EVERY Twitter user and then we will ALL be banned!

Censorship on Twitter?

Violation of 1st Amendment rights on Twitter or more bad customer service policies?. A Twitter-er has been banned because of content on a separate blog that incorporated user submissions. It seems to me that most social networks ban too many users for unspecified reasons. Login to Twitter and follow @FoulBastardArmy for details or check out the thread on Trumors.com

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