Who Writes These Things???

I got one of those chain emails from a friend of mine the other day... You know the ones I'm talking about... Not the "Pass this on to 30 people in 30 seconds or you will DIE" email; the, "Diary" type entry email that highlights the suffering of neglected pets or the evils of abortion or the plight of some cause or even this little gem that should never die.

These things have been around since the birth of email and I've always wondered (as a writer) who the hell writes these things?!?!

Well, today, I DO! >;-)

DAY ONE: Today I am am born. Happy Birthday to me! My mommy doesn't even know I'm alive yet because right now I am very, very small. I am only a few dead skin cells and about 5 pieces of dog hair but I am already growing. I'm so happy to be alive! I can't wait to meet my new mommy!

DAY TWO: I have already grown sooooo much! I've added so many dead skin cells, hair and lint to me that I now have a discernible shape.... I am a DUST BUNNY! My Mommy has made me so comfy under this bed. I love her sooooo much!

DAY THREE: I have many brothers and sisters now. We all are sooooo happy here under Mommy's bed that we dance for her every time she opens the door or walks by. She still doesn't know we're alive, but soon we'll be large enough to roll out from under here and lovingly attach ourselves to her shoes, socks, slippers and pant cuffs. Oooo! I can't wait for that day! I know it will be here soon!

DAY FOUR: YAY!!! I think my Mommy is aware that I'm alive! Last night she started coughing and sneezing something fierce! I think my Mommy knows that I am causing her to feel this way. It's my way of saying, "Hello! I love you!" tee hee!!

DAY FIVE: My brothers and sisters and I had such a wonderful time with Mommy last night! She stayed up all night talking to us and telling us stories! My favorite story went like this: "AhCHOO! Hurk! Cough, cough, wheeeeeze! groan.... sunuvabitch!" Isn't it the BEST story ever!

DAY SIX: A gigantic snake that made the most horrible sucking noise invaded my home today.... Today my Mommy killed me.

SAVE THE DUST BUNNIES!!!!! STOP VACUUMING!!!! END THE SPREAD OF DYSON NOW!!!! CALL YOUR CONGRESSMAN!!!

If you believe in this blog post, PLEASE help save the dust bunnies! Link to me, digg it or track back NOW! We MUST stop the senseless slaughter of dust bunnies everywhere! Re-post this on 20 blogs in the next 20 minutes or all your hair will fall out and your feet will smell like cheese!!! Do it! NOW!!!!!!!

Oh boy. I'm going to hell aren't I?

This is why I love you...

Yesterday, I was feeling a little blue. I've been working my ass off with my freelance writing/marketing/turd polishing business and sometimes, I feel like I'm not getting anywhere... Couple that with the winter blahs and well, you have a recipie for disaster!

So... in the middle of my bout of self-loathing and depression, I get an IM from my buddy Phil.

A little about Phil: He's one of those guys that you need to stay in touch with because he always manages to find the time to be that most creative and "awesomely filled with awesomeness" kinda guy. I mean, the man decided he wanted to learn to play the guitar so what does he do? Lessons? Nah! He BUILDS his own guitar, ~then~ teaches himself how to play!!! Needless to say, I have nothing but admiration!

Anyway, So, Phill IMs me and asks the dreaded question, "How are you?"
This, of course, is my cue to launch into my depression rant from which I can see no end; however, I know that the end results will probably make me even more depressed.

When I pause to take a breath and look back over the bile I've just spewed online, Phil replies to me... but not with your usual guy-looking-like-deer-in-headlights, "I'm sorry" babble that makes you realize at once that this man would rather be evicerating his pancreas with a rusty spoon than talking to you in all your depressive glory...
Nope. Not Phil.
instead, he replies with the following...

So I'm talking to my Uncle the other day and I was telling him how you and I have been playing Scrabble on FaceBook. Basically, I was saying that I had forgotten how much fun the game is and that we should play sometime; to which my Uncle replies, "You mean 'Fatgirl and Asshole.'"
I say, "What?"
My Uncle continues, "My kids were playing it not to long ago and my daughter was mad at my son because he had passed of "fatgirl" as a word... so later on in the game, she responded with the word, "asshole." When I looked at the board and saw those words, I decided to call the game Fatgirl & Asshole."

Now I don't know if it's because I write for a living or if I can just hear Phil's warmth and glee translate over my cold computer as he writes, but I damn near fell out of my chair laughing at the thought of re-dubbing Scrabble as "Fatgirl & Asshole." In fact, it's a day later and I'm still laughing!!

But leave it to Phil to listen to me vent and then come back with something just so out of the ordinary, that it gives me pause and lightens my mental load better than any sympathetic words of comfort ever will.

Thanks Phil. This is why I love you so.

Now log on to
FaceBook so I can finish kicking your ass in Fatgirl & Asshole, willya?!?!

PS: My apologies to Phil & his Uncle as I'm sure I butchered the original telling in my paraphrasing.

GAH! Get it out!!

My brother John took some time out of his super busy schedule to visit me for Thanksgiving. John is probably the MOST creative person I know. He lives in Las Vegas and works as a graphic designer (although he would be just as successful if he were an actor, singer or musician!)

When asked to describe my bruddah, I usually say, "Take me and multiply me by 1,000." John has as much talent in his little finger as I have in my entire body, which works fine for me cuz I seem to be doing pretty good in my own right. ;D

Anyway, in between stuffing ourselves with turkey goodness, John showed us the latest slew of commercials that he created for Sketchers. This includes a new animated commercial for "Cali Gear" (Sketchers' version of "Crocs" for kids). John created all the Sketchers characters, storyboards and works directly with the animators, and even provides the voices!

Anyway, John got the idea for this latest jingle while driving in his car. Lucky boy. I am a "shower idea person," which means that my range of motion is much more limited when I'm crafting an idea or message. ;D

John explained how the jingle came to him in a flash and he had to pull into a bank parking lot to scribble it down on a deposit envelope lest he forgot. The commercial hasn't aired yet but the first half of it goes like this...

They're Squishable and Squashable!
They're Waterproof and Washable!
They're Cali Gear and I'm a Cali Bear!
He ha!

How do I know this you ask?

I know this because I can't get the flippin' jingle outta my head!!!!
What's worse is that I find myself sing-songing it all day to the "Can-can" song!
I'm ~this~ close to jabbing a pencil in my ear until my brains leak out! ;D

Parents of the world beware! This commercial will be airing soon! Man yourselves with cotton balls to jamb in your ears at a moments notice or suffer my fate!!! ;D

LOL! My brother rules!

In a World...

Sometimes, the hardest part about writing any form or style of copy is the first word...

Case in point: I'm working on my web copy and, ironically enough, I'm at the section about my copy services. I begin to write when it all freezes up and I start repeating my opening thoughts over and over in my head. Essentially, I am trying to convey how important clear, concise, compelling, brief, results oriented copy is (especially because so much importance is placed on graphics over copy.)

But I get stuck by starting my sentence with "In a world..."

Sometime, I will use "In a world..." sentences when I need to put something down in order to let my thoughts flow out. By the time I have 3 or 4 statements down, I usually find my leading line and then I delete the "In a world..." statement.

However, for some reason today, all I could write after my first "In a world..." sentence was an "In a time..." sentence.

This got me laughing because all I could think of after that is the movie trailer for Jerry Seinfeld's "Comedian."

...and that was the end of my concentration.

Enjoy! :D

My First Epic Novel

I started down this path at an early age... Enjoy!