GAH! Get it out!!

My brother John took some time out of his super busy schedule to visit me for Thanksgiving. John is probably the MOST creative person I know. He lives in Las Vegas and works as a graphic designer (although he would be just as successful if he were an actor, singer or musician!)

When asked to describe my bruddah, I usually say, "Take me and multiply me by 1,000." John has as much talent in his little finger as I have in my entire body, which works fine for me cuz I seem to be doing pretty good in my own right. ;D

Anyway, in between stuffing ourselves with turkey goodness, John showed us the latest slew of commercials that he created for Sketchers. This includes a new animated commercial for "Cali Gear" (Sketchers' version of "Crocs" for kids). John created all the Sketchers characters, storyboards and works directly with the animators, and even provides the voices!

Anyway, John got the idea for this latest jingle while driving in his car. Lucky boy. I am a "shower idea person," which means that my range of motion is much more limited when I'm crafting an idea or message. ;D

John explained how the jingle came to him in a flash and he had to pull into a bank parking lot to scribble it down on a deposit envelope lest he forgot. The commercial hasn't aired yet but the first half of it goes like this...

They're Squishable and Squashable!
They're Waterproof and Washable!
They're Cali Gear and I'm a Cali Bear!
He ha!

How do I know this you ask?

I know this because I can't get the flippin' jingle outta my head!!!!
What's worse is that I find myself sing-songing it all day to the "Can-can" song!
I'm ~this~ close to jabbing a pencil in my ear until my brains leak out! ;D

Parents of the world beware! This commercial will be airing soon! Man yourselves with cotton balls to jamb in your ears at a moments notice or suffer my fate!!! ;D

LOL! My brother rules!

In a World...

Sometimes, the hardest part about writing any form or style of copy is the first word...

Case in point: I'm working on my web copy and, ironically enough, I'm at the section about my copy services. I begin to write when it all freezes up and I start repeating my opening thoughts over and over in my head. Essentially, I am trying to convey how important clear, concise, compelling, brief, results oriented copy is (especially because so much importance is placed on graphics over copy.)

But I get stuck by starting my sentence with "In a world..."

Sometime, I will use "In a world..." sentences when I need to put something down in order to let my thoughts flow out. By the time I have 3 or 4 statements down, I usually find my leading line and then I delete the "In a world..." statement.

However, for some reason today, all I could write after my first "In a world..." sentence was an "In a time..." sentence.

This got me laughing because all I could think of after that is the movie trailer for Jerry Seinfeld's "Comedian."

...and that was the end of my concentration.

Enjoy! :D

My First Epic Novel

I started down this path at an early age... Enjoy!

Verbotomy

Yesterday, Trendio released it's new version of the game and screwed up my life. Gone were all the points I had earned through capitalizing on other's misfortune by "day trading in key words." (((sigh)))

Since I am a HUGE fan of the "slow" game (you know, lil webby thingies that you can check in on as the day unfolds) I went to my favorite site, JayIsGames, to see what his latest suggestions were...

Behold Verbotomy!

Verbotomy is a "Create-a-word" game where users submit "definitions" and everyone makes up a word to go with it. Then people vote on other peoples' submissions and the word with the highest score is posted on the home page the next day.
Again, you don't win anything except personal glory (like Trendio), but it is so much flippin' fun to make up stupid stuff for kicks! :D ((Plus, there are some ~very~ funny entries!))

Here are a few of my "Verboticisms":

Pissinmoanivator - Pronunciation: piss-n-moan-eh-vay-tor
DEFINITION: v. intr., To enjoy whining and bellyaching about your job so much that you would never consider quitting. n., A person who diligently and persistently complains about their work.
Sentence: Terry has been with the company for 13 years now. Nobody's really sure what her job is other than pissinmoanivating everyone about her boss.
Etymology: "Piss and Moan" + "Motivate"
Eyedoangiveashitchat
Pronunciation: Eye-doan-give-ay-shit-chat
DEFINITION: n., Forced small talk used by professional caregivers to put patients at ease. (Not usually effective.) v. intr., To ask insipid questions while subjecting a person to an intimate, awkward or painful procedure.
Sentence: The two convention-goers made eyedoangiveashitchat while waiting for the elevator to take them to Karaoke night at the hotel's fireside lounge. Neither were enriched by the experience. (Btw: I consider singing Karaoke at a Hotel lounge to be an intimate, awkward AND painful procedure. ;D)
Poutend
Pronunciation: powt-TEND
DEFINITION: n., A sulky look characterized by prolonged eye contact, which pets give their owners and/or spouses when they feel neglected. v. tr., To stare at someone with a sad-eyed look in an effort to make them feel guilty.
Sentence: Although Alin did his best to poutend when he tried to get his way, he was far to old to have this ploy work in his favor and everyone wound up just being embarrassed for him... Kinda' like when a person does something so humiliating to himself that you almost wish you could erase it from your memory... Like Roseanne Barr singing the national anthem. Yeah, just like that.
Etymology: Pout + Pretend Can also be used in other forms such as "Poutential" - Having the ability to guilt trip; "Poutendency" - More likely to guilt trip than not; and "Poutentate" - One who has the ability to effectively inflict guilt.
Hiddenfollyoranch
Pronunciation: hid + den + foll + ee + oh + ranch
DEFINITION: v. tr., To carefully place a lid on a bottle, especially a salad dressing bottle, so that it appears closed and will not spill unless the bottle is moved or shaken. n., A person who shakes a bottle prepared in such a manner.
Sentence: Shannon's supposedly clever hiddenfollyoranch ruined my shirt. The outcome pleased her greatly because she had attained her day's goal by noon... Yup. Nothing left for her to do but play computer solitaire.
Etymology: Hidden - to prevent the disclosure of + Folly - A lack of good sense + Ranch - The salad dressing

Hee hee! Yeah, it's the little things in life, ya' know?
Anyway, go check out this site. There don't seem to be very many people who play on a daily basis so join in, vote for your favorite words and add your own. I've also included a hand-dandy verbotomy widget on my site so you can see the daily definition.

Vitamins and Irony

How funny is it that I can write copy for any situation or need for just about any industry, but I'm struggling with my own copy?!?

I've been working on my own lil' freelance business ((Turd Polishing for the masses!)) and I'm having trouble with my web copy. I mean, it's sitting in my brain just fine.
Problem is, I can't make it professional-sounding with out wanting to make it funny. Either that or I want to make it funny and still be taken seriously... or something...or maybe I've just had too much to think.

Turd Wear!

I opened a Spreadshirt shop and uploaded the Turd Polisher logo. You can choose the design and place it on a shirt or buy one of my pre-made shirts. Either way, I make a whopping $5. Woo hoo! ;D

Spreadshirt

the "official" turd polisher

Vector version for messenger bags, white letter version and more designs coming soon! :D

Turd-L-Wax

I've been working on a BIG project so I haven't had much time to blog. However, a few days ago, I met yet another Turd Polisher! He's a news cameraman in Louisiana (see? Turd Polishers can be found in any profession!) Anyway, this blog has some great stories in it, so go check it out.

Which brings me to my next thought... Whilst browsing through my new friend's blog, I came across this lovely gem:

...and it made me think of those old 70's Game shows where the losing contestant always won "a year's supply of Turtle Wax." It always struck me as funny how the loser would get all excited when they heard this particular news, like the UPS guy was going to back up a truck to their garage and unload cases of the stuff or something... but if you think about it, a year's supply of Turtle Wax is ONE flippin' can!!!!

I mean, c'mon, how many times are you gonna wax your car in a year?!?!

Best polished turd ever!

Holy Cow! ... and I mean that.

James just cooked me the best steak dinner... EVER!
I feel he deserves a review...

Upon entering "Jimmy James Jesterton's Steak House," one is immediately struck by the sense of humor held by the head chef and his adoring girlfriend. The front rooms pay a loving homage to the couple's past and current lives as "Riot Grrl and Computer Boy" with large comic book posters, full-size video arcade MAME Machine and other kitschy accouterments; but it is the kitchen where the magic took place tonight.

Chef "Jimmy James" dazzled this reviewer with what had to be "The best damn steak... EVER" - a one-and-a-half-inch thick rib-eye testament as to why some humans will NEVER be able to go vegetarian, no matter how much they think they'd like to...

Tonight's creation was accented by the addition of an "Espresso Steak Rub" the couple purchased at Old Florida Spice Traders in St. Augustine. Chef Jimmy James coated the steaks in this delicious blend of fresh spices (including ground espresso beans) and let it stand to bring the meat up to room temperature before grilling to perfection along with two perfectly salted, Jacket potatoes and fresh steamed broccoli.

The perfect punctuation to this particularly penultimate repast was the addition of a bottle of 1997 Clos du Bois Merlot that Chef Jimmy James so lovingly pulled from his private wine collection:

Yeppy! I found this at the Winn Dixie of all places! It was in the very back and it had a layer of dust so thick on the top that I could peel it off the top in one piece... it even retained the impressions from the seal!

This just serves this author's belief that one does not need to take sommelier classes in order to find a good wine... all you need is patience and a Winn Dixie... ;D

The next portion of the evening is actually a blur to this author (as I continue to sip my deliciously aged Merlot) all I seem to recall is the continuous chorus of, "No Talking... eating!!" as the chef and I giggled our way through our meal - Marveling at the smooth yet spicy espresso charred outside and tender, juicy inside of our perfectly grilled steak.

In summation - As a carnivore, I like to punctuate my fondness for the severely occasional steak James and I enjoy with the statement, "It's not the cow's fault that he was born delicious!" However, this time I think that it's actually James' fault.

My grade: DEAD MAN WALKING!!! - If this were my last meal on this earth, you may take me away now.

BWAHAHAAHAHA!!! Pt. 2

Not a big cat fan but this just cracks me up!!!! :D

Irony and Sadness

Yesterday on my way to work, I heard three incredibly ironic news bits on NPR.

I tried so hard to remember them all as I sped to work. I planned to twit them out over the course of the day but I got too damn busy…

I remembered two of them though… Here they are in their untwittered length:

Today New Orleans Mayor, Ray Nagin, held a bell-ringing ceremony in remembrance of the moment that the levies broke two years ago during Hurricane Katrina. At the same moment the bells began to toll, President Bush was holding a moment of silence in New Orleans in remembrance of the moment that the levies broke two years ago during Hurricane Katrina… Yep. The irony of miscommunication between the state and Federal Government was not lost on me.

Number two:

A performance artist was arrested at “The Burning Man” festival for setting said man alight four days before he was scheduled to be burnt. The whole spirit of the festival is “radical self-expression.”… Yup. The irony of this situation was not lost on me either. ;-)

Then, this morning, I heard that Richard Jewell died at age 44. The news caught me at a vulnerable moment (it was shortly after I woke up) and it made me burst into tears.

For some reason, all I could feel was this sense of the tragic irony that publicly surrounded this poor man’s life. All he ever wanted to do was be a hero. He worked in Security. He was portrayed as someone who “had made a failed attempt at a career in Law Enforcement” but all this man really was; was someone who wanted to help protect people.

He did just that.

Even today though, he was referred to “former Olympic Park Bombing suspect” and not “former Hero in the Olympic Park Bombing.”

He went through hell for saving those people and his life was probably ruined because of it… and the ~only~ person who stuck by him through thick and thin was his Mom.
His quote:

"For that two days, my mother had a great deal of pride in me — that I had done something good and that she was my mother, and that was taken away from her," Jewell said. "She'll never get that back, and there's no way I can give that back to her."

Damn… I don’t know why this one makes me so sad. I mean, screws fall out. The world’s an imperfect place! But something about this guy’s story just strikes me as so tragically unfair.

I need a hug. =(

R.I.P. Richard... May the next life be better for you.

R.I.P. Merv

Meant to do this earlier in the week... R.I.P Merv Griffin!

Youth is Wasted on the Young...

"Cigarettes can kill you," singsonged the too cute, too thin "tweener" girl as she passed; flanked by her too lanky, too kewl sk8ter bois.

I had just made my way out of the "Super" Target after a grueling 2 hours - my favorite vice firmly embraced between my lips, laden with an overflowing cart and grateful for the sweet, sweet journey into flavor country after a very introspective afternoon.

Get the flip out. Theese things can ~kill~ me?!?! Get... the... FLIP... OUT!!!!

You have no idea what you just said, did you? Do you think your words just delivered me into the hands of salvation? Did you say that to make your cuties there think you have balls? Are you exerting smugness over me as if to say, "Look at me! I have my own mind! I won't succumb to your Gen X nhilistic ways. My body is my temple... and I've never even heard of Joe Camel, much less ~seen~ a phone with a rotary dial or have had to get up to change the channel! You are Grrl 1.0 - out moded, while I am Grrl 2.0! Whatever happened to you will never touch me for I am immortal!!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

For the record, I get it... how could this slip of a girl have any insight into my life. How could she possibly know that I once was "Francy Schmancy: QUEEN OF POTATOES," or that I went to a party thrown by Glen Danzig... or that I actually have my own midget story for cryin' out loud?!?

Note to self: Retrieve Midget Story from old blog and repost here... Add link in this blog when done.

My sweeping generalization for the day:
People just have no concept of time and youth is wasted on the young.

Not 30 minutes ago, I found myself in the Toy section... a thing I do less and less with each shopping trip as I grow older... Not so much because I'm growing older but because the toy section is just one big commercial. All the cool, weird, toys are now online (here's an example).

Anyway, as I strolled the aisles, searching in vain for something neat, I overheard a mother's comments to her (12-ish) daughter...

"Honey, don't you think you are getting too old for toys?"

Her reply:

"No ma! I just wanna look for..." blah blah blah (fade)

I wanted so badly to reach out, grasp that woman's arm and say, "Whatever it is your daughter wants... buy it. Don't argue, just buy it. Trust me when I say this... you will find yourself regretting that those words ever left your lips in about 6 months."

That right there is a product of my lame psychic abilities. I still regret not doing that. I even went back to find her but then I realized how weird that would be.

The thing is, who the hell am I to say that to her?!? I have no children.
Yeah, I've thought about it and yeah; I know that I would be a great Mom, but ... well... In my heart of hearts, I don't think that it's because I'm suddenly selfish, I think it's because I don't want to go down that road unless I can be there like my mom was... and right now, I can't be there. Plus, I think that maybe a person like me needs to do something more... like take in foster children or something...

Note to self: Look back to 2-3 years ago... Savor the irony of it all for a moment...

I want to give that tweener girl my email address and tell her to look me up in 20 years or so in order to apologize for her naivete' and tell me that she now grasps the uselessness of her remark...

I want to tell her that we are all dying and that I already know that I regret ever starting the smoking, but thanks anyway...

I want to tell her that she should shut the fuck up, go inside, buy herself a sammich and actually DIGEST it for a change...

I want to tell her that girls who wear long sleeves (like she does) in 98-degree weather have a lot more to worry about than the state of my lungs...

I want to flick my cigarette at her face and relive my old-school Roit Grrl ways...

and I want to thank her...

While she may not know it, she's inspired me to ~write~ for the first time in a long time. =)

So, UP YOURS TWEENER GIRL!!!!! >;D

I have my work cut out for me...

I am the least Machiavellian person I know...

I quit my job of three and a half years. Last Wednesday, I had the 1,001 meltdown stemming from total frustration and my lack of being able to get anywhere with my ideas... At this point, I feel it's important to clarify one really weird thing about myself, I've discovered that I ~like~ to work. I like creating Marketing Strategies, I like writing copy, I like planning ahead, I actually like rhetoric (well, I like recognizing it and/or creating it)... Regardless, I like my line of work!!!

Now, while I like being paid for my worth, I also like EARNING it. So it was always shocking to me that I never seemed to get anywhere. I don't want to be the boss. Bosses don't get to do the work. All I want to do is discover if the notions I have about my intended audiences are right. I want to know what makes someone click on a link, open a piece of mail or respond to one offer over another. I want to take a project that has a low response rate and see if my changes affect it...

Anyway, I finally had the last meltdown over my work. I did not go in on Thursday. Instead, I arranged an interview, got another job with more responsibility and more money (I'm not a masochist either). On Friday, I ended my love/hate relationship with the job that brought me here in the first place and I started fresh this Monday.

Everyone around me seemed impressed enough... They couldn't believe how fast I moved. But all I could think of is why did I put up with the bull for as long as I did? The answer: because I simply could not believe that my turn would not come. I "paid my dues" I polished alllll those turds and I did it with a smile! I shared my ideas. I wrote proposal after proposal. How could they not love me?!?!

Last week, I would have felt sorry for myself. Today, I just feel stupid. I mean, what kind of a Marketer am I?

Now... I'm in a position where I have the opportunity to do everything I've ever wanted to do work-wise... except it was all due last week. ;D

Hahahaha! I seriously need to be very careful what I wish for! =)

At the same time, I don't think I have ever felt so damn determined in my whole life! I will grab this damn job by the flippin' balls and make it understand so help me!!!!

Feh... I'm going nowhere with this blog. I just had to get that out of me and into the aether so I can concentrate or something.

Does Anybody Read This Thing?

Well, if you do, I need some feedback. I'm working on a logo of sorts for shits & giggles.... oh man... yeah, I just caught the pun there. ;)

Anyway, tell me what you think. You can use the ClickComments below if yer shy but it would be nice to know who's out there and get some real feedback... for uh, yeah, this here gleaming pile o' crap. ;D

Now I've done it....

Crap crap crap crap crap!
I found a new website/game called Trendio and I'm hooked! Basically, you play the stockmarket but you buy and sell keywords! Here... lemme splain via their FAQ:

On the Trendio current events stock exchange, you can buy and sell words. Buying a word is making a bet that this word will be increasingly present in the media: if this is the case then the price will increase and will make the value of your portfolio increase.

The entire world can play for free with one fictitious currency called Trendillion. Therefore, the goal of the Trendio game is to make your portfolio mature, for prestige and to compete with friends or within the framework of a competition where you can win money and prizes.

I don't know about the whole "money & prizes" bit but the idea itself just cracks me up!!! I just made a killing on a one-day speculation on "Donald Rumsfeld!" :D

I'm sorry folks, but I ~NEVER~ thought I'd ever hear myself say "Rumsfeld's up two and a half points! Woo hoo!!"

The interface itself was a little confusing at first (mainly because it's mostly flash-based) and little glitches tend to dump you back out of your account for no reason but the super-nerd in me digs it because of my fascination in SEO and all things webby. Plus, I like the idea that they keep their keyword data mining sources a secret to help disuade cheating... although I can't help but wonder what kind of person would ~want~ to cheat at a fake stock exhange game... prolly the same kind of person who'd punch babies and step on old ladies just to crab a crappy free T-shirt at a radio station sponsored event or something... I mean, who wears those things anyway?

but I digress...

oh... and on a completely different note:
I've decided that the quantum theory that Einstein called, "Spooky Action at a Distance" would make an absolutely awesome band name!
... It's Friday. What more do you want from me? ;D

Here. Read this article instead about an experiment in Quantum Entanglement that is supposed to take place soon. There's something about this that just made me giggle like mad! :D

Drivetime Haikus

20 miles from home:

Work sucked ass today.
Archipelago mindsets
Never get you far.

18 miles from home:

No wait at the turn.
No traffic jam at the light.
Optimistic bliss.

16 miles from home:

Up yours white Hundai!
Why cut me off at the toll
and THEN hunt for change?!

9 miles from home:

Expressway Asshat:
If you must drive Forty-five,
use the right-hand lane.

2 miles from home:

Gas light starts to blink
Truck cuts me off near red light,
and doesn't turn right.

Home:

Oh Drivetime Haiku,
You saved me from hard jail time!
Road rage is much worse.

Screw it. I'll fill up the gas tank tomorrow. ;D

Sometimes I just can't help myself...

From the "Inane Pop Culture Bin o' Obscurity" Files:

Up from the depths...
Thirty stories high!
Breathing fire,
His head in the sky!!!
Mozilla! (dun, dun, dun)
Mozilla! (dun, dun, dun)
Mozilla! (dun, dun, dun)



...and Mozoooookie



(deedle,dee,deeeee. deedle, de de, dun, dun, DUN!)













MO-ZILL-AHHHHH!!!!!

For Eric and Miquella...

I recently took a trip to St. Augustine with my boyfriend and our close friends Eric and Miquella.
Today, James sent me this Second Life video.

To Eric and Miquella (who will totally get the reference):
It hasn't even been a week and I already miss you guys terrible bad!!

To everyone else... It's just neat! ;-)


I am truly amazed at what people do with Second Life... I would ~love~ to explore it but I'm afraid I'll lose my ~real~ life in the process! ;)
hahaha! I just figured out a solution!
Note to Self: Convince bosses we need a Second Life presence for the company!

BWAHAHAHA!

If Vitamin Water was a Person

I was surfing the Q & A section at Linked In today when I came across the following...

If brands were people, who would you spend time with?
Be creative, be descriptive!
If brands were people, who would you wish to spend time with and why? Who would you avoid? What would you do and where would you go?
For example:
Would you invite Harley-Davidson to a dinner party or a cook-out? Would you take Harley to work? How would you like Harley-Davidson as a neighbor?
Would you introduce Sony to your friends and family or just your friends? Would you drive the same car as Sony or join the same country club?
Would you see live music with Coca-Cola? Would it be a rock concert, a jazz club or the symphony? Would you send Coca-Cola a mixed tape or some mp3s?
Name a brand and what you would do with the brand if it was a person.

This was my contribution:

I ~love~ this question! I had way too much fun with this!!! =)

If Glaceau (Makers of Vitamin Water) was a person, she’d be a “Tweener” girl!

Dear Diary: I met this totally cool person today named Glaceau. We met at this little health food store and we like totally hit it off!!! She’s like super cool but no one seems to know much about her. I’m having her over for lunch today.
PS – I’m glad I met Glaceau cuz yesterday my BFF Snapple was like soooo busy hanging all over Coca-cola that she like TOTALLY ignored me! Gah! Doesn’t she know that Coke is just using her for her tea?! Jeez!

Dear Diary: OMG! Like, Glaceau is totally my new super awesome BFF! We have like, the exact same sense of humor!! When we hang I’m like, “Whoa! What would it be like if yer Mom was just like a Mom in an orange juice commercial?!” and Glaceau is all like, “Whoa! No WAY would that ever happen! That’s why I’m infused with Vitamin C and Calcium!”

Dear Diary: ROTFLMAO!!! Glaceau and I had sooooooooo much fun today!!! It all started in the lunchroom. That bitch Snapple came up to us and was like being all superior and whatever and like saying that she was “#3” in the market and we were all like “Whatever! Step off Snapple!” I mean like Glaceau is sooooo much more colorful! I mean, she’s not like all full of sugar and stuff, ya know? And when I’m around her, I just like ~feel better~ about myself or something…

Dear Diary: OMG! You should have seen Glaceau today!! She was like being all super funny and ~everyone~ was paying attention to her but it was totally awesome cuz like she’s still totally ~my~ BFF since like, I met her first and she hangs with me so like now I’m like kinda cool too ya’ know cuz like I met her first so like when people are like “Hey! Did you see Glaceau with 50 Cent yesterday?” I’m like, “Yeah! I was totally hanging with them first! Didn’t you see me?” and they’re like, “Yeah! You are soooo cool because you introduced us to Glaceau!” and I’m like “Whatever!”
PS – I LOVE all of Glaceau’s new colors… She’s like, so fruity ya know? But like good too!

Dear Diary: WTF?!?!? I saw that big shot jerk Coca-cola talking to Glaceau this morning!!! I couldn’t believe it!!! I asked Glaceau what was going on and she was like, “I dunno. I think he asked me to the prom but I was all like, I dunno.”
Grrrrr! I wish Coke would just stay away from her! I mean, I saw Snapple yesterday and OMG she looked just so TIRED and OLD! I can’t believe I ever thought she was cool!

Dear Diary: I COULD TOTALLY SCREAM!!! I think Glaceau is dating Coke!!!!! I asked her about it and suddenly she was like all sugary sweet with me… OMG! I think I’m gonna cry!

Dear Diary: Saw Glaceau in the hall… She totally ignored me. Plus, I hear that she changed her story about being all geeky like a Dungeon Master and now she’s telling everyone that she’s into Kelly Clarkson! WTF! We used to make fun of people like that!!! I HATE Glaceau! She totally sold out and is no longer cool! I mean, sure…. Everyone LOVES her now that she’s with Coke but I MET HER FIRST!

I hate everything! :(

Dear Diary: WOW! Like, I met this totally cool person today named MonaVie Acai Juice. We met at this little health food store and we like totally hit it off!!! She’s like super cool but no one seems to know much about her. I’m having her over for lunch today.
PS – I’m glad I met Acai cuz yesterday my BFF Glaceau was like soooo busy hanging all over Coca-cola that she like TOTALLY ignored me! Gah! Doesn’t she know that Coke is just using her for her Vitamin Water?! Jeez!

That was WAY too much fun! :D

The Corporate Haiku

On Company Politics:

From under the bus…
One seems to often forget,
“It’s just junk mail folks!”

On Marketing:

Lead Generation:
Another headline needed…
To sell the same thing.

On "Buzzwords":

On Yuppies and Dinks:
How can an anagram sound
like a yummy treat?

On Modern Communication:

Emails in all caps.
The slaughter of “your” and “you’re”
Web hath maimed language.

On Programming:

Code is a language
Like rumor is to hive-minds
They’ll never get it.

Hahaha! I could write these all day! =)

Is that a Polished Turd I see before me?

I recently discovered a really cool company called Postreach - Makers of ClickComments, a nifty lil' feature now lovingly attached to my blog. Their premise is simple and genius:

Only 0.1% of readers comment regularly! 5% occasionally comment and 94.9% never comment because they don't want to provide their email address or register.

Clickcomments eliminates these barriers and provides readers a simple and expressive way to respond to your posts...

Clickcomments makes it easy for readers to send you an expressive comment with just one click on an icon. The clickcomment counter gets updated immediately for everyone to see. A reader can give different clickcomments on [one] post...

Needless to say, the only thing ClickComments has really done for me right now is show me that nobody is reading my blog! ... Oh well, that's not their fault.=)

But the one thing that I personally love about ClickComments is their Icon for "Cool Stuff"... Look closely, dear reader, is that a picture of a highly polished turd I see?!

Or is it a picture of the top of a Dairy Queen Soft-serve cone (cool stuff indeed!)
In an effort to uncover the truth, I wrote to the clever folks behind this super fun blog tool and lo and behold... They wrote back!
Thanks to Hans for solving the mystery!!

The 'cool stuff' icon started off as 'hot shit', but a red one could be
interpreted as 'flaming pile of shit'. so we made it 'cool shit' and
tuned it down to be PG-13 with 'cool stuff'.

When we were first covered on a big tech blog many people thought our service was a gag website instead of a real service because of that icon. We wanted to be a bit edgy. However, we never knew that our international adoption would be so big. The 'cool stuff' doesn't translate well as an icon nor linguistically...

Well, Hans, it may not translate too well but as a Professional Turd Polisher - it speaks to me on an oh so personal level. =)

Now... how about that flaming pile of shit button? I'd be sure to get me some comments going if you had that! ;D

Maybe it ~is~ because of that song!!

When I was in 10th grade, I failed my “Honors English” class and had to attend Summer School. I was going through a “rebellious phase” […that never quite ended ;-) ] and my poor attendance outweighed my high test scores. I was mortified at the time but now I realize that this was the best thing that ever happened to me.

On that first day of Summer School, my teacher Mr. Starr, who was not very pleased with the path I had taken, presented us with a book that was roughly the size and shape of a paperback edition of an unabridged Dictionary. It was a complete overview of practically every English lesson I’d ever had from 1st to 9th grade. He informed us that he was appalled that we had managed to fail a subject based on our native language and that his mission that summer was to ensure that this would never happen again to any of us.

Gone were the hopes of spending my summer days lost in literature and creative writing. Why I was so sure that summer school would resemble Honors English, I do not know. I soon found out how wrong I was when we started with the basics… and I mean basics. On that first day, we covered nouns, verbs and adjectives. The whole thing seemed like a waste of my time at first but I had fun with it and sang quite a few “Schoolhouse Rock” songs to my teacher’s chagrin.

To make a long story longer, I had an epiphany the day Mr. Starr walked into the classroom and wrote the following on the blackboard:

“A woman without her man is an animal.”

This was met by hoots from the boys and a protest from the girls (I’m sure I was one of the loudest) but Mr. Starr was about to change my life…

See, I had always loved to write, but I also hated it (I still do to some extent). My disdain stems from the fact that I have the ~worst~ handwriting in the world (I’m a lefty) and I don’t know how to type… properly. I graduated High School in the late 80’s and our curriculum slipped through the early cracks of the computer age. At the time, I didn’t see a need for me to take a typing class because I had no intention of becoming a secretary and typing was seen as a “vocational” class. As an “honors” student, I wanted to spend my elective credits on Drama classes, not typing… Quite the ironic twist, eh Mr. Starr? ;-) From a very early age, I felt inclined to make attempts at descriptive writing (I smell another blog post for this one) but my hands (and my grasp on language at the time) were nothing but endless sources of frustration…

But I digress…

After Mr. Starr calmed the class down, he explained to us that punctuation is so much more than following rules. Punctuation exists to create comprehension.

You may be thinking, “Well, duh.” But his next action, to me, was profound.

He said, “I am going to make three little movements with this piece of chalk that will change this statement completely.” …Dot…Dot…swish…

When Mr. Starr stepped away from the board, the statement now read:

“A woman: without her, man is an animal.”

I know now that this is an old device and there are many variations of it… but to me, in that moment, it was as if someone had unlocked a door….

I have a tendency to get lost in “existential thought” and that day, my entire brain floated right out the window in contemplation of symbols. The letters of the alphabet are nothing but symbols. Punctuation? Symbols! If taken from an existential point of view, this entire blog is meaningless (and that can betaken in more than one way, judging by my lack of readership) hee hee! ;D

What I mean to say is that the only meaning letters and punctuation have is the meaning that we assign to it. Comedian Steven Wright was pretty popular around the same time this story took place and he summed it up best by saying “Why is the Alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

Taht’s why we can cplmetoley jbulme the ltertes of a wrod and sltil udnrtsenad it as lnog as we keep the frsit and lsat lrtetes the smae.

The fact that this (A) sounds like “ay” or “ah” or ways that I cannot spell out to make you comprehend with out more symbols is truly an amazing thing! Seriously, try to spell out how the letter “A” sounds when used in a word like “flat.” If you didn’t know that, how could you pronounce “ă”?

I find the symbolism of communication utterly fascinating. Thanks Mr. Starr! While I may not recall everything you taught us that summer, I never stopped exploring, I’m constantly rediscovering and I’m learning something new all the time.

More l8ter… ;D

Update - Would this make me a Flip-flopping Turd Polisher? ;)

As you can see, I’ve had more time to Twitter than blog… Hee hee, (note to self: add “Twitter” and “Blog” to list of made up words that started as nouns and have morphed into verbs).

Many things have changed since my first-ever post on this blog… In a nutshell, I’m thinking of changing my initial intention for this infinitely bright and shining dot in the Internet universe. Recent events have led me to think that maybe the purpose of this blog is to offer a sounding off point for creatives everywhere who occasionally feel like Turd Polishers (God knows I do… often).

Maybe this can be a place where we all can come to vent, just to shake off that icky, turdy feeling; remind ourselves that we are more than just turd polishers and let our creative freak flags fly!

Then again, maybe not… Who reads this thing anyway?

Well, in the spirit of venting… here’s a vent from a dear friend of mine who is NOT a Turd Polisher, but really felt like one yesterday…

“First, thanks for your patience with me. I have been totally swamped being the ((insert project name here)) “bitch” for the past several days. I think I could honestly have an awesome career as a Personal Assistant to some immature, asshole movie star. Maybe even Paris Hilton. I am getting good at being the whipping boy. I had to laugh when someone said to me, “Yeah you remind me of Ann Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada”. “Gee um thanks, do you take one sugar or two?” (bent over pouring their coffee)…”

To my friend, I say, “I hear you, buddy” and “You are not the only person I know who feels this way today” and “Wouldn’t it be great if you walked up to TPTB (the powers that be) and told them that you will not save their million-dollar asses any more unless they come to you with a flippin’ PLAN first?!?!”

Then again, you wouldn’t be in the spot you are in if they had actually made a plan before launching into production and dissemination. No, instead you would be doing what you are so amazing at doing… and rolling in the big fat bonus check that would be bestowed upon your amazing self for being so amazing.

Well, for what it’s worth; though you may never read this, I think you are amazing. :)

Ahhh… better altruistic living through venting. Yeah… this will last for maybe another 30 minutes when ~my~ PTB get out of their meeting and say, “Gee Lola, those are some pretty wild ideas you gave us but why should we bother moving towards that direction when we are doing so well the way we do things now.”

Summation on multiple levels: Nothing lasts forever.

Lateron.

Twitter

Heh heh... I've been so busy lately, there's no time to blog. I think I may need to add a Twitter account to my repitoire to get the lil' nagging bits out.
Until then, here's today's "twits" ;)

My house was invaded by gnomes last week...

I wrote a letter to a writer for Wired Magazine today in the hopes that he might be interested in penning an article on the movement to save the TV Show Jericho. He probably thinks I'm "Nuts." ;)

In light of that last statement, my house ~really~ was invaded by gnomes last week!

My dentist just told me that I grind my teeth. Now I have to wear a totally sexy mouthpiece to bed every night. REOWR! >;)

Why would anyone be interested in reading this crap?

Do Twitter subscribers eventually get pissed off at the influx of daily text messages that say things like, "My cat's breath smells like catfood."

Those Gnomes scared the crap outta me...

I have been touched by his Googly appendage

I can't help it... I ~love~ the Google!
I've been exploring the Googleverse today and I am just tickled with all the things I can (try to) make and/or learn about.
Damn. I should've been a computer programmer. Then I'd understand this all just a little better.

Coming soon to a Google Tool Bar near you, the Turd Polisher Google Gadget!
Not quite sure exactly what it will do yet, but I'll let ya know when I do.

Lateron!
Tck, tck! ;)

Greetings and Salutations

Ahoy hoy and welcome.
This is the post that nobody reads.
My occupation? Copy Writer.
My goal? Self-fulfillment through creative exploration... which of course leads to a lucrative self-employment gig and maybe my own breakfast cereal or something.
My mood? Currently less than optimistic.
My fear? Spelling and grammar errors... Kinda' defeats the purpose, eh?
My dream? That people actually cared about expressing thoughts properly through writing.

Oh well, let's see what happens, shall we?
=)